The Importance of Time

February 24, 2012 § Leave a comment

Cave Johnson here. I’m getting the hang of this “blogging” now. And they told me I should hire someone to write this for me! Who’s laughing now, Marketing suits? If they even still have suits. I fired them all. I gave them such bad names they’ve probably had to eat those suits by now. Only now do they discover what employers the world over knows: Once you’ve been fired by Cave Johnson, you’re unhireable. Nobody wants employees after Cave Johnson has finished with them.

Remember yesterday I wrote a blog-thing about our Blue Sky Thinking? I thought I’d follow that up with another of my secret tips and tricks – Time Management. Learn more of Cave’s top management tips by clicking here!

Blue Sky Thinking

February 23, 2012 § Leave a comment

Cave Johnson here, bringing you the latest news from the world of Science! That is, the world of Aperture Science, anyway. And what other sort of Science is there? Boring Science, that’s what the other Science is. Who cares about gel plates smeared with proteins? I’m talking about taking Science by the throat and staring it down like it’s a cheap hooker holding a knife to my throat. Nobody stares like ol’ Cave Johnson.

I’ve had some emails from curious people. There could be a hundred, or maybe a million emails. Who knows? I am too busy with Science to deal with stuff like that. That’s what Caroline is for. Anyway, the emails ask how I manage to get the best from my people when we live and work in what is essentially a depressing concrete and steel underground silo with access, exit, and external communication heavily restricted. That’s a complicated question, curious people! I make my people deliver non-stop innovation until they drop, 24/6. The key techniques are simple, but elegant. First is a little thing I like to call “Blue Sky Thinking”. Click here to learn the secrets of my success!

Cave Johnson Answers Email

February 22, 2012 § Leave a comment

This is Cave Johnson, blogging at you from 600 feet underground, wired into the heart of my personal External Communications Pod.

I got an email. Actually, I get hundreds every day. Mostly they’re from nubile teens who want to hook up with guys in my area. Or they’re from guys that want to sell me… uh… pharmaceutical enhancement. But this one was different – it was from one of you! Naturally I didn’t read it – I don’t have time to read. I’m a busy man of Science, stopping only to update you, my loyal customers. But Caroline did read it, and she read it to me while I was chewing out a bunch of know-nothing bookworms for leaving brains on my very expensive ceiling. You have time to read things, don’t you? Click here!

The Future of Communication

February 21, 2012 § Leave a comment

Cave Johnson, man of tomorrow here. Tomorrow is bright, and tomorrow is already here, here at Aperture Science.

That’s right, Aperture gets tomorrow first. We actually have a satellite in orbit over the International Date Line, beaming us a continuous video feed from the far side, so we can always take a look into  tomorrow for inspiration. One day we’ll send an expedition deep into tomorrow, to make contact with the strange future-men who dwell there. You better believe there’s more!

Welcome from Aperture Science’s Founder and CEO

February 21, 2012 § Leave a comment

Hi. Cave Johnson here. I’ve been told by the suits in Marketing that doing a “blog” would be a good thing for Aperture Science’s public image. I don’t know – I’ve never heard of a blog before. It sounds like it should have something to do with bologna. I thought they might have been trying to have some fun with the old man, so I fired a few of them, just to see if they were serious. That reminds me. Caroline, get me a bologna sandwich. Click here, for more Science!

  • Welcome to “I Am Aperture”!

    You'll have to excuse the state of this blog. It was built so fast it would make your head spin. That's the way Cave Johnson does things! That's me, by the way, Cave Johnson. Founder and CEO of Aperture Science. Why waste time planning when you can jump in with both feet and see if the sharks are warm?

    I have great plans for this blog, but first I'm going to have to iron out some of the kinks. Like where are all the Aperture logos? Why does it look so generic? How do I enable commenting? Where's my coffee? Who moved my ash tray? These are questions that will take serious Science to solve. But my overpaid staff will do it, for you, if they value their employment. Seriously. Coffee and ash tray. Here. Now. Or I'm going to start firing people.

    Aperture Science is about punching the Universe in the face until it gives me Science back. I then take this Science, and by a patented process of innovation, I turn it into Knowledge and Products to better the human condition. And my bank balance.

    If you can't stand the white-hot heat of innovation, get back in the frying pan.

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