Welcome from Aperture Science’s Founder and CEO

February 21, 2012 § Leave a comment

Hi. Cave Johnson here. I’ve been told by the suits in Marketing that doing a “blog” would be a good thing for Aperture Science’s public image. I don’t know – I’ve never heard of a blog before. It sounds like it should have something to do with bologna. I thought they might have been trying to have some fun with the old man, so I fired a few of them, just to see if they were serious. That reminds me. Caroline, get me a bologna sandwich.

Anyway, it turns out they were serious. Apparently a “blog” will put a human face on our faceless monolithic impersonal corporate machine. I tried telling them that’s the way I like it, being a faceless monolithic impersonal corporate machine is part of Aperture’s charm. They insisted. Well, the next lot of Marketing bozos I hired to replace the entire department I’d just fired agreed with their predecessors.

They said I should hire a spokesman to write the blog. Someone with charm, wit, and a way with words that can show my company in the best light possible. Hogwash! I’m the best spokesman Aperture Science can have. The face on this monolithic impersonal corporate machine will be mine, and mine alone! I am the owner, the face, and the voice of Aperture Science. I’m Cave Johnson, and I AM APERTURE!

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Caroline, take down this note:

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