Cave Johnson Answers Email

February 22, 2012 § Leave a comment

This is Cave Johnson, blogging at you from 600 feet underground, wired into the heart of my personal External Communications Pod.

I got an email. Actually, I get hundreds every day. Mostly they’re from nubile teens who want to hook up with guys in my area. Or they’re from guys that want to sell me… uh… pharmaceutical enhancement. But this one was different – it was from one of you! Naturally I didn’t read it – I don’t have time to read. I’m a busy man of Science, stopping only to update you, my loyal customers. But Caroline did read it, and she read it to me while I was chewing out a bunch of know-nothing bookworms for leaving brains on my very expensive ceiling.

Dear Dr. Johnson,

First I want to tell you I’m a big fan of yours! What you do for our country makes me proud. It’s good to know we have innovators like you who can keep our country synonymous with scientific overkill.

I have a quick question. I saw your promotional material for the Aperture Science Leg-Mounted Terminal Vertical Velocity Arrestor, or “Long Fall Boots”, as you nicknamed them, and I want to buy some. Unfortunately nowhere seems to have any in stock, and they all say they don’t know when they’ll get any more. When can I get my own pair of Long Fall Boots?



PS: Any chance of a tour of your facility?

First up, don’t call me Dr. Johnson. Call me Cave. I’m a man of the people. I work for a living. Unlike like those overpaid lazy so-called geniuses. Besides, I don’t have letters after my name, so I can’t go around calling myself “Dr. Johnson”. Boy, I sure learned that lesson the hard way. But that was all taken care of with a substantial financial settlement, and the terms of the agreement don’t allow me to discuss it with anyone but my legal counsel. So… Don’t read the previous bit, or I’ll have to send in my lawyer to sequester your brain.

I’m kidding.

I’m sorry to tell you, well, the boots are history. Yesterday’s news. Obsolete. Old stuff. Besides, they tended to cause spontaneous skeletal failure if they were left on too long so our lawyers have advised me to tell you those boots are not, and never were, an Aperture product.

At Aperture Science, we don’t do old stuff. All our stuff is new. If our new stuff gets old, we burn it and build new new stuff. This keeps us on our toes and it keeps things fresh. You can always smell fresh paint at Aperture Science! Until you permanently lose your sense of smell. Those paint fumes can be harsh. And highly flammable. But it’s the smell of progress!

Boots are the past. The future is gloves. Falling gloves! They said it was stupid, but HR said it was impossible to fire the naysayers. I reassigned the naysayers as reactor shielding, then I fired HR for being stupid. Now I’ve got a lab full of can-do-ers.

You’re going to go crazy over them. Just this morning I watched one of our boffins have a go with a prototype, and boy howdy did he have fun. Right up until the very end, when he took off the gloves and accidentally stepped on one. Splattered his damn fool head on the ceiling. What happens when the glove comes off can hardly be called the glove’s fault, and our company lawyers agree. Still, we slapped a quick coat of paint over him and you can barely even see the mark on the ceiling any more, and who has time to look up, anyway? Science waits for no man. Oh, and one of the boys found out the hard way you shouldn’t try to pick your nose while wearing the glove. Yeesh, that sight is going to stay with me a while.

If you do drop by to tour the facility, don’t get to close to any of those naysayers I mentioned a moment ago. You can’t miss them; They glow, and not in a healthy way. Hmm. Caroline, get the eggheads to look into self-illuminating people. We could revolutionize the lighting market!

This is Cave Johnson, signing off. Someone call maintenance and get down here for another coat of paint on my ceiling. He’s seeping through again.


Caroline, take down this note:

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