About

I’m Cave Johnson, and I’m the head honcho here at Aperture. Founder, CEO, and all that jazz. Basically the buck stops here. Actually, lots of bucks stop here, on their way to my bank account. But that’s another story. I’m here to tell you about Science. Specifically, Aperture Science. There’s nobody better to tell you about Aperture than me because I am Aperture.

So what do we do here at Aperture? Who are you kidding? You already know who Aperture Science is. Are. Is. Damn it, should that be that “is” or “are”? Note to self: Ask Caroline. Anyway, we’ve been in the news a lot lately. You may have heard of us in connection to the Congressional panel on missing astronauts, the 17 tonnes of weapons-grade uranium that enhanced an Aperture-owned water fluoridation plant, or our exceptionally cooperative attitude towards the Federal inquiry into the seventeen pallets of hundred dollar bills ($1.3bn) that were legitimately resting in our warehouse prior to being moved to their eventual destination.

If you’re an investor, please take a moment to consider how big an investment you wish to make, then be prepared to add another few zeros when you see what we’ve got lined up for you.

If you’re a curious visitor, feel free to browse the blog and learn something about a little thing we call “science”.

If you’re an employee, you’re engaged in prohibited personal activity in violation of the Personal Use of Aperture Science Resources (Computing) section of your contract. Pick up your stuff on the way out.

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  • Welcome to “I Am Aperture”!

    You'll have to excuse the state of this blog. It was built so fast it would make your head spin. That's the way Cave Johnson does things! That's me, by the way, Cave Johnson. Founder and CEO of Aperture Science. Why waste time planning when you can jump in with both feet and see if the sharks are warm?

    I have great plans for this blog, but first I'm going to have to iron out some of the kinks. Like where are all the Aperture logos? Why does it look so generic? How do I enable commenting? Where's my coffee? Who moved my ash tray? These are questions that will take serious Science to solve. But my overpaid staff will do it, for you, if they value their employment. Seriously. Coffee and ash tray. Here. Now. Or I'm going to start firing people.

    Aperture Science is about punching the Universe in the face until it gives me Science back. I then take this Science, and by a patented process of innovation, I turn it into Knowledge and Products to better the human condition. And my bank balance.

    If you can't stand the white-hot heat of innovation, get back in the frying pan.

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