Hi. Cave Johnson here. I’ve been told by the suits in Marketing that doing a “blog” would be a good thing for Aperture Science’s public image. I don’t know – I’ve never heard of a blog before. It sounds like it should have something to do with bologna. I thought they might have been trying to have some fun with the old man, so I fired a few of them, just to see if they were serious. That reminds me. Caroline, get me a bologna sandwich.

Anyway, it turns out they were serious. Apparently a “blog” will put a human face on our faceless monolithic impersonal corporate machine. I tried telling them that’s the way I like it, being a faceless monolithic impersonal corporate machine is part of Aperture’s charm. They insisted. Well, the next lot of Marketing bozos I hired to replace the entire department I’d just fired agreed with their predecessors.

They said I should hire a spokesman to write the blog. Someone with charm, wit, and a way with words that can show my company in the best light possible. Hogwash! I’m the best spokesman Aperture Science can have. The face on this monolithic impersonal corporate machine will be mine, and mine alone! I am the owner, the face, and the voice of Aperture Science. I’m Cave Johnson, and I AM APERTURE!

  • Welcome to “I Am Aperture”!

    You'll have to excuse the state of this blog. It was built so fast it would make your head spin. That's the way Cave Johnson does things! That's me, by the way, Cave Johnson. Founder and CEO of Aperture Science. Why waste time planning when you can jump in with both feet and see if the sharks are warm?

    I have great plans for this blog, but first I'm going to have to iron out some of the kinks. Like where are all the Aperture logos? Why does it look so generic? How do I enable commenting? Where's my coffee? Who moved my ash tray? These are questions that will take serious Science to solve. But my overpaid staff will do it, for you, if they value their employment. Seriously. Coffee and ash tray. Here. Now. Or I'm going to start firing people.

    Aperture Science is about punching the Universe in the face until it gives me Science back. I then take this Science, and by a patented process of innovation, I turn it into Knowledge and Products to better the human condition. And my bank balance.

    If you can't stand the white-hot heat of innovation, get back in the frying pan.

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